Updating my blog with some crapness...Last nite was the day when I finally gave up on chasing HIM...I'm tired of playing this game of chasing HIM when it was obvious HIS heart is never going to be mine...And so, with HIS txt msg last nite at 1 am...I woke up with a relieved heart that he replied my txt msg...and after reading HIS txt msg, I found myself breathing in a sigh of relief...no pain in my heart, no tears to drop...I just looked at HIS txt msg and reflected back on US...I am a bit confused at how I feel...I'm actually sad for those words HE sent to me...I'm actually heart broken and struck down with grief...But, all that I did was finding myself replying to HIS txt msg and said,
"I'll end this chase because I've made a big decision for myself before you gave me your answer...I'll let you go..Thank you for those wonderful dreams that you've made for me..."
And with those magic words...a sense of freedom swept me...I feel again, relieved...I feel I'm changed to someone who wanted LOVE all this time into someone who find LOVE is not worth it yet now for me...I love HIM, yes I do...but if HIS heart is not for me, then who am I to change that? I can only change my heart...not HIS...I want HIM to be happy so letting HIM go is a way to make HIM so...besides, I hurt HIM and myself by still hanging on to our memories together...
I do still cling to the past...but not so much. I'm not seeking for LOVE right now and probably never will. My heart is sealed from LOVE...my coping mechanism protects me by letting me focus on my studies rather than finding another guy to replace that vacancy that HE left empty... I don't want to be in LOVE again...not yet. Please God...I'm not denying the fact that someone is meant for me in this life...but I am not able to accept another LOVE into my life yet...This heart will be kept locked...until the right key is put into place...But until that day comes, I am not going to fall in LOVE...
In the end...I finished my first love story with a sad ending...I do it in front of HIM with a smile but a mask of lies and tears is hidden underneath that smile...I feel free but my heart still bleeds deeply..a painful stab straight to its core, until this heart cannot feel LOVE anymore...cannot feel the wonders of LOVE again...I don't care what people perceives me to be...I am my own being.I am my own MASTER...
Lurve,
Kisho-Sama
=I would sacrifice anything in my power to get HIS love but...if HIS heart is still unchanged even if i do so..it would probably be best that I let go of that 'old blanket'=
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