A SuDDeN EnDiNg

Assalamualaikum peepz...

Here I am...updating my blog on the latest news of mine. I've lost the one I love...I've lost someone whom I called my sayang. I've lost a part of me which I've been so happy about. I've lost my love...The truth is, I'm now again single...I've had my first relationship break-up...Lost my 1st love, lost my 1st boyfriend...How come? Napa jadi cemani? Perhaps...it's fate, dah nada jodoh...Perhaps we didn't make it happen? Perhaps we didn't work on it? Antah lah..all I know, he asked for the break-up while I stared at my laptop's screen, crying my eyes out....Alas, the something that I've feared has come true...I lost him. That easy, that fast...disappointingly, 2 days before my birthday and 3 days before our 7 months' anniversary together...I think I've lost hope to love ever again...I felt cheated...I felt I was not being the best that I could be...I got this whole bundle of emotions inside me that I can't just get rid of.

Reasons? Several reasons had been laid in front of my eyes...not because he loves another woman tho but other things...His unconfidence, his uncertainty to provide happiness, his uncomfortable feeling when he received gifts from me..his insecurity...those little things destroyed my happiness...perhaps forever. I'm hurt....I'm bleeding invisibly inside...My eyes bangkak sedikit due to overexcessive crying & not being able to sleep...my body trembled as I did not eat anything for almost 1 1/2 day....Stupid? Perhaps...but that does not matter for I'm being irrational, tangled in my own mix of emotions...

I forgive him. But the pain left will stay and be an old scar that has marred this fragile heart...I accept him as my friend again..though this heart really wanted to make me to hold him close and said never to let go...To hug him tightly and say "Don't leave me...don't say you will..." But I just let it happened without too much of a thought...I dunno...Maybe it's better for him, better for us to break up...maybe he will find someone much better than I am...because I am imperfect...

I just wanna cry when I was blogging this entry...it hurts so much after I held it back for the whole day today...it hurts so much, I don't wanna let it influence me to cry again and reflect on why he left me...hiding behind my happy, cheerful face for all the world to see...I'll keep this happy face on, while time heals my wound slowly....I just wanna cry as much as I can and say "I love him...I really do..." I feel so bad inside...trying to mask this pain with this happy face...holding it back til I'll go weak and then burst it all out one day...I'm not strong as people says...Not strong....

In Pain,
Kisho-Sama

P/S: I love him...I really do. Why must I get hurt when I'm loving someone wholeheartedly? Why is fate cruel to me and left me to unimaginable pain caused by this love that I've so cherished? Let me be strong...Let me overcome this pain...Let me survive through this torturing pain...I'm hurt....so hurt...