A New Leaf?

Assalamualaikum peepz...

Batah dah nda blogging in here~ Antahlah, macam nada kan di blog in here since I'm heartbroken...banar-banar heartbroken nyanta~ Hahaha..but what can I do? To forget and to let it remain as memories...my sweetest memories...my 'bittersweet' memories in experiencing the feeling called 'LOVE'...Padih my hati everytime I think about how much I love him and how much the environment around me brings that memories alive...adui mak~

He couldn't love me because he has someone in his heart...Fikirkan lah perasaan ku masa ku tau kenyataan yang sebenarnya...Walaupun that someone sudah jadi tunangan orang, tapi he couldn't forget about her walaupun he tried to forget it by being with me...is love that cruel? is love that difficult to forget? Yes...awu...I know how it feels...love is sweet at it's sweetest and bitter at it's most bitter~ Ya Tuhan...only God knows how I feel...my heart is broken...so broken into pieces...sakitnya berabis...

I cried for him several days...sometimes alone and sometimes in front of others...antah berapa gelen udah air mata ku keluar..hahahaa..atu banar-banar menangis tu eyh~ hehehe...but true, I cried for him...sometimes I can't stop...I feel weak without his love...I feel so damn difficult even to breath without him to love me...Mati eyh...itulah betapa kroniknya keadaan ku atu..hahaha..putus cinta macam putus nyawa...memedihkan, memilukan...*sigh*

My only wish...my only prayer...is to see him happy...Ya Allah, pintaku pada-Mu adalah supaya Engkau kurniakanlah kebahagiaan dan kesenangan hidup kepada nya..kepada lelaki pertama yang berjaya membuatku jatuh cinta dan juga berjaya menghancurkan hati ini...Ya Allah, hanya Engkau lah yang Maha Berkuasa atas segalanya..maka kabulkanlah doa hamba-Mu yang hina ini...kerana kegembiraannya adalah satu perkara yang akan menggembirakan aku...dan Engkau pertemukanlah dia dengan jodoh yang baik untuknya...dan kiranya kami berdua akan berjodoh lagi, maka Engkau pertemukanlah jodoh antara kami berdua dan biarkanlah kami dapat memberikan kegembiraan dan kebahagiaan kepada sesama sendiri...Amin~

Heheh...I know bari gali plg doa ku atu...tapikan...atulah yang ikhlas dari hati ku..cewahh...semoga aku sendiri lebih tabah dan kuat dalam menghadapi segala dugaan yang Engkau berikan...=p

Lurve,
Kisho-sama

P/S: He will alwez be in this heart of mine as he was the first to taught me how to love, how to cherish and how to be heartbroken....And no one can replace that place of his because there can be no other 1st love in my life...;(

A SuDDeN EnDiNg

Assalamualaikum peepz...

Here I am...updating my blog on the latest news of mine. I've lost the one I love...I've lost someone whom I called my sayang. I've lost a part of me which I've been so happy about. I've lost my love...The truth is, I'm now again single...I've had my first relationship break-up...Lost my 1st love, lost my 1st boyfriend...How come? Napa jadi cemani? Perhaps...it's fate, dah nada jodoh...Perhaps we didn't make it happen? Perhaps we didn't work on it? Antah lah..all I know, he asked for the break-up while I stared at my laptop's screen, crying my eyes out....Alas, the something that I've feared has come true...I lost him. That easy, that fast...disappointingly, 2 days before my birthday and 3 days before our 7 months' anniversary together...I think I've lost hope to love ever again...I felt cheated...I felt I was not being the best that I could be...I got this whole bundle of emotions inside me that I can't just get rid of.

Reasons? Several reasons had been laid in front of my eyes...not because he loves another woman tho but other things...His unconfidence, his uncertainty to provide happiness, his uncomfortable feeling when he received gifts from me..his insecurity...those little things destroyed my happiness...perhaps forever. I'm hurt....I'm bleeding invisibly inside...My eyes bangkak sedikit due to overexcessive crying & not being able to sleep...my body trembled as I did not eat anything for almost 1 1/2 day....Stupid? Perhaps...but that does not matter for I'm being irrational, tangled in my own mix of emotions...

I forgive him. But the pain left will stay and be an old scar that has marred this fragile heart...I accept him as my friend again..though this heart really wanted to make me to hold him close and said never to let go...To hug him tightly and say "Don't leave me...don't say you will..." But I just let it happened without too much of a thought...I dunno...Maybe it's better for him, better for us to break up...maybe he will find someone much better than I am...because I am imperfect...

I just wanna cry when I was blogging this entry...it hurts so much after I held it back for the whole day today...it hurts so much, I don't wanna let it influence me to cry again and reflect on why he left me...hiding behind my happy, cheerful face for all the world to see...I'll keep this happy face on, while time heals my wound slowly....I just wanna cry as much as I can and say "I love him...I really do..." I feel so bad inside...trying to mask this pain with this happy face...holding it back til I'll go weak and then burst it all out one day...I'm not strong as people says...Not strong....

In Pain,
Kisho-Sama

P/S: I love him...I really do. Why must I get hurt when I'm loving someone wholeheartedly? Why is fate cruel to me and left me to unimaginable pain caused by this love that I've so cherished? Let me be strong...Let me overcome this pain...Let me survive through this torturing pain...I'm hurt....so hurt...

Ku DaMam..uWaaa~

Assalamualaikum peepz...

*sniff, sniff* ku damam..hahaha...hope it won't get worse...because i need to be healthy enough to revise for my Final Examz!!! Hehehe...and I want to be healthy when it's my birthday coming around the corner...cewahh...The fun thing is, seems to have double celebration for me because 22/9 is my birthday ( hope my sayang wud do something for me..make a suprise kah, give hadiah kah, do something special kah?? I wud really appreciate that...and be soooo happy...) and on 23/9 which is Hari Guru in Brunei but wud be my 7 months together wif my sayang...(Ohh...hope my sayang remember about the date...he's a forgetful person..kekeke)...

Birthday wishlist ---> a special moment with my sayang...( i dun care apa kan di bagi nya...even a kiss on the forehead sambil ya kata hepi birthday seems to be a precious thing & it's free..hahaha..or a whole day together & just talk bejabirness to each other & share our life stories...or a 'suprise'...i like suprises..yuppie yup i do..)

..a new MC for my handphone (I only have 64 mb...i wanna at least a 256mb kah??LOL)...

..a birthday cake!! C'mon lah...manada birthday without a birthday cake??! Hahah.buwink tu!

..Bantalz...LOL..awo..I like bantals wah...*hint* I got my eyes on a kitty kat red pillow di knicknacs..mahal hantapz!! LOL...but i like bantals apa saja eyh..as long it's cuddly..=p

..hanging around with my peepz and they belanja me!! Hahaha....wud like that...a nite's out! To skodeng2 or have fun begila di luar..hahaha..bwoh...be noty2 gurl ku tu eyh...

..a diary..kekeke...bwoh, ku mau diary??? ya lah...to tulis2 my thoughts & dreamz..ehem2..

..Em, wanna have a silver ring carved wif my name & my syg..haha..lau ya bagi aku atu, hepi ku tu eyh, dunno ah..just wanna have a ring from my syg..emm..weird..jgn plg cincin tunang! LOL! Awal tu eyh..but nda salah plg..kekeke..=p

Just some basic ideas of what i want..hahaha..nda plg semestinya ku dapat semua ani...just a thought of what i want masani..HAHAHAHAH...I'll be super happy plg if i get one or some of all of these things...banar2 super happy tu eyh...sampai nda tido malam kali...LOL..atu ya betapa happy nya aku..hehe..

Okay...that's all...kinda tired...udah tah damam g aku ani..Hahaha...

Lurve,
Kisho-Sama

P/S: Where are yoo Datin Tazzzy latenkz?? Batah nda muncul2 nya...kekekeke....

So oh many things...

Assalamualaikum peepz...hellew~

Got bored.Buwink ku plg masa cuti ani. Really. Banar. Absolutely. True. Hahaha. Em, what should I blog ah?? Oh yes...on 5.9.2006, we (me and my sayang, n my 2 loyal frenz, emma n nuyui) went to see a Movie~ Ceta My Super Ex-Girlfriend...typical story, a bit of comedy here and there, some adult contents e.g. having sex sampai patah kaki katil..LOL...that was kinky, a bit funny but embarassing...I would rate it 3/10..antah lah, not the kind of movie u wud like to see over and over again...compared to Pirates of Carribeans 1 & 2 ( and 3 next year, which I couldn't wait to see...). Hahaha..that's my comment ja...After kami liat dat movie, we went to KFC to eat and to the arcade where well, karaoke session!!! 10 songs kami kerajakan nyanta! HAHAHA..sampat g tu i take pictures wif my digital camera although nda buleh banar nya...whoopzie!!! we went back to hostel dalam kul 10.30 lah...hahaha...tapi satisfied..

Then, the next day nya lagi, we went again yet to see a Movie wif other frenz and other unexpected frenz....ceta 'GONG'..which for me, typical ceta misteri Melayu and really, really BORING...part2 mengajuti atu, I can expect udah wah...nda ku tekajut..banar..I just laughed at it while my sayang, pigang my hands and anticipated the 'antu' to come out...LOL...next time, i wud bring my sayang to see movies yg membari ijap so that he wud pigang my hands! LOL..kan ambil kesempatan aku ahh!!! But really, banar...boring da story, and the ending...apa2 ntah...besides, aku nda suka da hero : Jehan Miskin...he's so like perasan hensem in the movie...perasan macho...urgh, benci i nengok! LOL...pas liat da movie, me terjumpa Potty latenkz queueing kan liat ceta 'BOO'..hehe...i wish i can liat ceta 'BOO' tapi well, no use for regrets...Potty, kamu memang kambang hantapz yaaa??

Kami masing2 lapar after seeing 'GONG'...decide punya decide...kami go lah makan di WYWY di Sengkurong..HAHAHA...berkonvoi2 kami ah, my sayang drive my car...berlumba2 di highway..gila drg ah, nasib my sayang nda berlumba makai my car, lau nda marah ku tu eyh..kekekekek...tp laju plg masih tu...sampai sana,wah...kami ani meriah wah...sampat g bergambar2 wif my digi cam tapi syg da bat low..nda banyak ambil pictures...Meriah lah ahh kami makan2 di sana sambil atu ketawa2 dgn ulah2 surang2....mcm2 ada~Siap makan, kami chow balik hostel and udah pukul 12 tgh mlm..LOL..atu yaaa~ nasib da gate alum tutup..fuhhh~ sampai bilik, mengampai surang2..kekekeke..

Then on 7.9.2006 til 9.9.2006, I was busy hantapz....preparing for the college's anniversary ceremony...Menteri Pendidikan wah kan datang ah....Aku ikut committee bunga talur..fuh, naleh jua kerajanya...while emma n nuyui ikut refreshments committee lah...including my sayang pun ikut refreshments...which makes me feel a bit left out, i mean drg together2 but me ikut lain...HAHAHAH...palui plg tu...but well, it's my choice...Really, really bz lah ahh...on 9.9.2006 atu lah ah, aku nervous and hyper..LOL..imagine kan cia lagi aku membari goodie bags to special guests yg dtg including Pengarah of Nursing and matron2 yg ada...LOL..kajai2 jua kaki leh nya...tapi time Menteri Pendidikan dtg, aku nda dpt bagi cos aku nervous so ku suruh ja my fwen c Trish bagi..HAHAHAHA....calie wah aku ahh...takut gitu...sayangnya, kami nda kana suruh masuk jubli hall time Menteri Pendidikan membari ucapan...so lepak2 di kantin macam c palui..LOL...what to do jua lagi kan??

Ptg on 9.9.2006 atu, kami 18th intake terpaksa berkeraja karas cia lagi..ngangkat meja dan kerusi balik ke tempat masing2...LOL..apakanz...berpaluh2 kali ah...Yang cali nya dan memalukan aku, aku cuba kan mengenakan c nuyui time ya di belakang jubli ah by tutup da rotating door kan, aku push lagi tu kan nda nyuruh ya kuar..tapi rupanya aku tutup jua my coordinator punya jalan!!! LOL..abis ku kana ketawakan ahh..chitz...malu ku kali ah...nasib jua nda kana marah..hahahaha...adakah main2 aku ahh...luan hyper!! Malu yoo~ Pastu lagi, kami ada hostel meeting with principal and have to return da kunci hostel arah warden...esh, membari naleh saja...tired nyanta...then baru tah i go home to Tutong for my 1 week cuti~yezaaaa....hepi2...

Ooh yeah...I'm feeling negative lagi ni...moody segala...kesian my sayang, kesian my kwn2...I feel guilty tapi ani tah perangai ku lau kan menses..MWAHAHAHAHA...sowie peepz...sowie sayang...I'm feeling very sensitive jua kali ahh~ Lakas marah...teruk eyh...out of control wah ulah ku tym PMS menyerang...LOL...

And yeah...I've been thinking....too much banarnya...about my relationship...I'm scared of losing my sayang..I'm scared of losing his love...i admit I'm always the problem...selalu ragu-ragu, selalu negatif...I wanna change that...Ya Allah, mudahan I will not lose him...Mudahan kami kekal ke akhir hayat dan dapat menempuhi cabaran yang mendatang...I love him and that will not change easily...And yeah, I've been thinking...kalau lah aku nda balik Brunei this year, kalaulah aku nda accept my sayang...wat wud become of me and him? Sometimes, I feel like pihak ketiga to my sayang and to ????...to whom?? Ada lahhh...ask me personally and I might tell u..hahahahaMaybe it;s just my perasaan saja tapi there's too much that makes me believe in it....it's been bothering me recently and i need someone to give out their opinions....I'm thinking negatively again...*sigh*

Lurve,
Kisho-Sama

P/S: I will always and until the end of time, will love you...as long as this heart of mine beats , as long as this soul is here...trying to understand you, my love but i get hurt doing so...i love you and it pains me...

All in a Day's worth...zasss~

hELLeW peepz...

Right now sedang duduk dgn asyiknya di dalam library kolej yang serba sunyi tym lunch..HAHAH..buwink jua eyh sunyi2 anie...Me alone saja nih...My sayang antah ke mana, my fwens pun antah ke mana...all i know, I'm here in front of my lappy dear...planning to watch VCD ceta 'Goong' yang I bought di malam..HAHAHAHA..sanggup wah berabiskan usin $39 untuk bali ah...Lawa kali ah ceta nya..nda menyasal nih ku membali..heheh..emm, apa g ah? oh yesh...Potty yang paling latenkz antara latenks2 terhebat tahap dewa power rangers bercampur gaban kaler pink, miyah, itam, kelabu, coklat, ijau dan kuning yang teramatlah kalerfool sampai power to da max...LOL..apakanz???!!!

Yesterday, kami go jalan2 ke batu bersurat untuk cari tempat kadai jahit..to jahit my baju raya lah...gila kali ah..batah2 kami round2 sana, nada wah yang sanggup until kami sampai di kadai yg ujung2..nasib jua mau menerima..3 pasang baju nyanta bernilai $170..Waahhh...mahal ah?? Tapi desperate udah kan menyuruh menjahit wah..hehe...siap before raya, tapi nda tau bila..hope a few week early lah..hehehe...ooh yeah kemarin..i did something stupid jua lah...i unintentionally hurt my sayang's feelings~ my sayang diam2 wah lapas me said dat something..jahat eyhhh~...damn my celupar, insensitive self..LOL..banar..jahat me ani...sowie sayang...i hurt ur feelings...i know i did...cewahhh...lainkali i try to be less laser...=x

but anyway, today gud news jua..Elaun kuar!! HAHAHAH..tapi kan..not entirely gud news lah cos I have to pay hutang to my nini lah...aiyo...so deeply in a financial problem..well, what can i say...one of my life's trouble lah ni..HAHAHAHA...

Oh yes...that's all lah....next week udah kan cuti! Yay..cuti..tapi won't be that great cos my sayang will not be able to see me in the holidays...HAHAHAHA..masih g cinta tersembunyi kali ahh~ That's all...*sigh*

Lurve,
Kisho-Sama

Whoo-hoo...holy crapness!

Yay~ got news yang our final exams were postponed to another later date....MWAHAHAHA! Hepi ku nih...Still got some time before it, so I need to study! Yeezaaaa....Revise~ Ooohh..I luv it!! Nda cia stress surang2 g ni sal kan dakat exams..but still stress tho to study...hehehe..seronok nyerrrr~Gud news..gud news...=p

Yesterday, my 6 months' together wif my sayang..too bad, nada ya here to spend time wif me on that day...*Sigh* how i really wish ahh...ya sanggup datang last nite to spend time wif me, i mean, bawa jalan2 for dinner kah or liat movie kah...Waaaahhh...too bad semua atu cuma mimpi..cewaaahh! Lau my sayang do those things yang aku mimpi2kan, that would be sooooooooo romantic..suka ku berabis kedia tu ah...hahahaha, banar2 g nda ku minat laki2 lain..ceewahhh! =p

Yeah..no mood last nite jua sebab nda dpt celebrate that event kemarin...I feel suddenly macam empty lapas bangun tidur...besides, aku terasa ati jua dgn my fwens' words kemarin, 'padas' her words which selalunya I ignore cematu2 saja tapi kemarin was like, sakit ati ku plg, HAHAHA...I feel like a moron...sensitive ku wa kemarin ahh...chitz jua tu~ But good enough lah, I can hold off my bad mood...HAHAHAHAHAH...*sigh* Miss my sayang so much...:X

Kemarin jua...I was stupidly careless...lupa pasang headlights kereta tym jalan bali nasi katok!! Chitz!!! Careless waaa!!! Teruk banar aku ani...but well, I'm okay tho..just aku malar cursed myself stupidos sooo much...*sigh* I was not myself yesterday...really, macam aku di dunia lain..HAHAHAHAH...*sigh* teruk2....But I'm okay now!! Yeezaaa..hyper ku ni..I need to vent it off somewhere...hehe...karaokeing lagi at arcade????? LOL...that would be sooo 'mental'!!! =P

Lurve,
Kisho-SaMa