Disappointed to myself because I let people's hopes down...
I changed a whole lot since last year and it has been something disappointing...My changes make others see me differently. So differently...I am no longer as naive, as innocent as I was before. Love has changed me. With love, I see life more realistically. And with the truth of life, I changed to adapt myself. I want to open myself, my real self to the world to see. But with that changes, I have hurt a lot of people and letting them down...Why do people expect so much from me?
Is it because I was a briliant student? With such a bright future ahead?
Is it because I was innocent and untainted with life's truth?
Is it because I was too kind and they loved the old me, one with a good girl personality?
Why does it hurt when people get hurt because of me? Deep down, I cried. Deep down, I wished I am not me. So deep inside, I want to be free...I want to be one that people don't expect so much...
The word "disappointment" that came to me today was like a stab to my heart...There are people who are disappointed of me. At such word, I wished I am not me. I wished I was just back to my "I-am-average" person. Where no one will expect so highly of myself. Where no one will sarcastically say I am too good for them...where no one will say "Pandai kau ah, nda payah belajar pun pandai menjawap tu!" or one who will say "Urang Aussie x ah..kana antar belajar sana~ Terrer ni"..Because everytime that comes up, I was never proud of such words. I was never proud of myself being so called intelligent. Even though it's always a joke and I would always smiled, my heart hurts deeply. I would trade my place for yours if I could...then you will know how much that really hurts...
And so...I am just blogging this because I hope someone will understand. It never was a bliss being expected so much. It was never happiness when it comes to disappointing people...And somehow, I am badly missing him...the one that I've disappointed a lot in my life or rather, the one that had been disappointing me the most... Ouch! There goes the other part of me, trying to get sad, trying to uncover the gaping wound I've tried to cover away~ :S trying to let go of that feelings out again...oh no, no, no~ :x *slaps my other self...huhu*
Anyway, please oh please, Forgive me dear friends if ever I disappointed you all deep down inside...I regret myself...we humans never can run from doing mistakes...Forgive me...:')
ANyway, I am addicted to the song "Kasih Tercipta" from Faizal Tahir...I can't stop singing it and it can't stop playing in my mind too...I dedicate this to him...even if he doesn't know..Huhu. I am getting sad again~ *sigh*
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Kasih Tercipta - Faizal Tahir
Kasih hilang tiada bicara
Setelah cintaku kau puja
Rintihan rindu terus melanda
Redup cahaya oo hati lara
Bisiklah kiranya aku bersalah
Sedetik tersirat rasa
Kau cipta kasih yang kumiliki
Cintaku jujur selama ini..
Carilah aku dalam hatimu
Sayang sebutlah kau rindu
Hanya…pintaku
Kasihmu kekal setia
Usah biarku ooo terus terluka
Mesra suaramu…kini berbeza
Gagal sembunyi sedih
Kenangan lalu menusuk jiwa
Manis seindah berganti pedih
Ooo..kasih tercipta..Ooo..carilah ku sayang
Carilah aku dalam hatimu
Sayang sebutlah kau rindu
Hanya…pintaku
Kasihmu kekal setia
Usah biarku ooo terus terluka
Pabila bersamamu..debaran
Darah arus mengalir cinta
Lahir selamanya
Berilah kucupan sayang
Biar terukir wajah..
Kasih tercipta..
Berilah kucupan sayang
Biar terukir wajah..
Kasih tercipta..
Ooo..kasih tercipta..
Ooo..kasih tercipta..
Kini kumengerti..
Walau berbisa..
Kurela kira kau bahagia…
Feeling sad...
Kisho229
"I rather be the one whom can't disappoint anyone..:)"
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